Archive for April, 2005

30th Apr 2005

Bill Gates, Scared of Google, Irregardless

There is a fascinating cover story in Fortune this week titled “Why Google Scares Gates.” Unfortunately, the piece on the web only features the intro, after which you have to be a paid subscriber to read the rest. I read it in the print edition.

But just how scared Gates is was clear when I heard an NPR interview with him Friday morning.

Now, I’m not one of these people who hates Gates or Microsoft just because they’re more powerful than the White House. I recovered from the cult of Macintosh years ago, and while I use Firefox, it’s just because it’s better and less prone to spyware and viruses than IE. I happen to think MS Excel is one of the most amazing pieces of software on the planet, and I honestly like Windows better than the Mac OS for reasons I won’t get into. Anyway, suffice it to say, I don’t have a dog in this fight.

I think Gates is smart as hell and his philanthropy is inspiring and I don’t begrudge his shrewd business practices. But after reading/hearing these two pieces, I think Fortune’s right: he may have met his match. Or at least, he’s clearly rattled.

First, a couple of excerpts from the Fortune piece provide some perspective. On the cover, Gates is quoted as saying, “They are more like us than anyone else we have ever competed with,” by which he means that he believes Google is more interested in pursuing productivity software than just search.

Further on, the story describes that Microsoft’s advantage has always been that it could ride hurt herd on any competitor, irrespective of whether the competitor had better software or not, thanks to Microsoft’s control of the desktop as the ultimate distribution advantage. Netscape’s original model was to sell its software for $30 a pop. Microsoft simply integrated its browser into features in the OS and its productivity tools suite and gave the browser away for free, and Netscape was left sucking wind. Similarly, Lotus 123 and Word Perfect couldn’t compete against the leverage of Microsoft’s operating system.

But Google doesn’t rely on the OS. And it is free to users. Microsoft can set MSN as the browser homepage default, but Google is so much better and the barrier to switch to Google is so low that Microsoft can’t wield its traditional platform advantage. Chillingly, a former Microsoft executive says in the Fortune piece, “Microsoft can play its old game to compete with Linux and Apple. It has to play Google’s game to compete with Google.”

Now, consider this seemingly innocuous exchange in the NPR piece. Talking about the familiar complaint among tech companies that there aren’t enough qualified programmers coming out of U.S. universities, the NPR reporter asks Gates, “Are you saying you have an Indian campus and a Chinese campus because there just aren’t enough good brains here available?” and Gates answers, in part, “We would have done some work in those markets irregardless.”

Devotees of my recently retired Nazi Spelling Points program should be quick to note that “irregardless” isn’t an actual word. It’s a common mistake when sloppy speakers are confusing “regardless” or “irrespective.” (Olivier once had the gall (or should I say Gaul?) to accuse me of making this mistake, while the ungrateful foreigner was sleeping in my apartment on a trip to NY. But ignore him; I would never make that mistake.)

There are a couple of delicious ironies in Gates’s misuse of this word. First, the college drop-out is in the midst of complaining that the U.S., which has the highest per capita college graduation rate of any country in the world (save perhaps Cuba), doesn’t have enough people trained in the sciences, but while they’re all apparently graduating in liberal arts degrees, he’s demonstrating a woeful literary accomplishment on par with, say, our president. The second irony I’m working up to.

Here’s another passage from the Fortune article:

Gates says that when Microsoft is done integrating search into future versions of Windows and Office, the world will look back at the way we are now “Googling” for stuff on the Internet and laugh. “The idea that you type in these words [in the search box] that aren’t sentences and you don’t get any answers—you just get back all these things you have to click on—that is so antiquated,” he says, later adding, “We need to take search way beyond how people think of it today and just have it be naturally available, based on the task they want to do.” For example, if you wanted to look up a factoid while you were writing a document, you might search for it without ever leaving Word.

God help us. When I first read this, I thought it was idiotic. When I heard him make essentially the same point in the NPR piece, I realized that he’s desperate, that Microsoft is desperate, and that this insane theory is the best PR spin they have and they’re flogging it to any journalist that will listen. Towards what end, I don’t know. The recently released version of MSN’s new search tool is hardly any improvement over the current state of search, the standard for which remains Google. And while I firmly believe all of the players in the space still have a long way to go before the functionality of Internet search lives up to anything like its true potential, there is no doubt that Google is kicking everyone else’s asses when it comes to innovation.

The idea, however, that I’m going to be writing something in Word and, wanting a “factoid,” I’m simply going to trust Word to magically provide me with the right answer is horrifying. As a professional researcher and former journalist, I understand that context is everything. I simply can’t see a world where I’m not going to want to click through to the various sources that offer an answer to my query so I can compare one to another, read full paragraphs to make sure this is the answer to the same question I’m actually asking and get a sense of whether the source of this information is the U.S. Census Bureau, the New York Times, or JoesHouseOfCrazyConspiracyTheories.com.

It’s like he doesn’t even understand the basic premise of the Internet. Read Small Pieces Loosely Joined, for God sake. It is beautiful because it’s the most amazing network of information in the world. You can’t centralize it and sanitize it and package it into a single piece of damn software that reads my mind, you wrinkly old fool.

Anyone who has used a spell checker and realized it can’t tell the difference between “its” and “it’s” knows what I’m talking about, much less Word’s hilarious grammar suggestions. So, I’m supposed to stop “Googling” and just trust Word and Windows to always know the right answer to my every question? This from a man who uses “irregardless” unironically?

No, I think it’s more likely that in the future we will Google “Microsoft” and laugh at how antiquated that seems.

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25th Apr 2005

Don’t Read This Book If You’re Stupid">Don’t Read This Book If You’re Stupid


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25th Apr 2005

View From Stalin’s Head">View From Stalin’s Head


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25th Apr 2005

Sin City">Sin City


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25th Apr 2005

Kontroll">Kontroll


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25th Apr 2005

Payback">Payback


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23rd Apr 2005

People Chow II: The Slogan

I should be in advertising.

Long-term devoted Bruner Blog readers (i.e. Pablo) may remember this post about People Chow, my great idea for a simple packaged snack of dry meat and vegetables, along the lines of cat food, that could be sold alongside candy bars in vending machines and at news stands.

So, I was thinking about it again the other day, and I came up with the perfect slogan:

    Delicious. Nutritious. No dishes.

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22nd Apr 2005

Happy Birthday Bruner Blog

Today happens to be the one- three-year* anniversary of this blog’s first post. Yay!

* See comments for clarification

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21st Apr 2005

Joke of the Whenever: Michael Jackson

This one goes out to the Bruner Blog reader who wrote yesterday, “Reinstate the joke of the day or else.” Sadly, I’ll wait to see what consequences he’s proposing. But I’ll throw him a bone. Got this today from the nutty toothless old homeless comic who works the club otherwise known as the 1/9 train:

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

Because there are twenty of them!

Well worth the dollar I paid him. The guy actually does pretty well. He must have made at least $10 in the five minutes he was in our car. Better than most comics, I suspect.

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19th Apr 2005

Joke of the Whenever: Sacfree

This insane new underwear from Sacfree reminds me of a joke:

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor responds with alarm at the site of a red bump on the man’s forehead.

“My goodness! I read about this in medical school, but I’ve never actually seen it. Mr. Smith, you’ve got a rare condition. In six weeks this bump is going to transform into a penis in the middle of your forehead.”

“What?!” exclaims the man. “Well, can’t you operate and remove it?”

“No, I’m afraid not. It’s attached directly to your brain. If I removed it, you’d die.”

“So you’re telling me in six weeks I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and see a penis in the middle of my forehead?!”

“Oh no, you won’t see it. The ball sacs will be hanging in front of your eyes.”

Thank you very much. I’ll be here all week.

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19th Apr 2005

The Decade in Online Advertising

Here’s what I’ve been doing when I should have been blogging: PDF | landing page

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13th Apr 2005

Fun(ny?) While It Lasted

So, I have unceremoniously decided to bag the joke-of-the-day idea. In part because I couldn’t hear the laughter (yet another metaphor for life! I’ve got a million of ‘em), in part because it was becoming a pain in the ass (ditto) and in no small part because I just kept thinking of someone in HR stumbling across this blog and having a different sense of humor about making fun of other ethnic groups (seriously, they are hilarious, aren’t they? with their stinky food an all?) and goat fucking, etc.

I’m replacing it with joke-of-the-intermittent-period, such as:

God didn’t give epileptics a fair shake.

I still got it!

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07th Apr 2005

Joke of the Day: Best of Friends

File under: A Boy Can Dream

A tiger and an elaphant are best friends. Every day they meet at a clearing in the jungle and play in the field. But they have to be careful of one corner of the field where there is a deep hole.

One day, the tiger comes to the clearing and is looking for his friend but doesn’t see him. Then he hears shouting from the corner of the field and when he goes over, sure enough the elephant has fallen in the hole.

“Laugh it up, flyboy,” the elephant says, “just get me out of this goddamn hole.”

So the tiger runs off to get his Porcshe. He drives it up to the edge of the hole and throws down a rope and ties the other end to the car’s bumper. “Here, tie this around your fat stomach.”

The elephant does as he’s told and after burning two big ruts in the ground, the tiger manages to pull the elephant out.

The very next day, the elephant comes to the clearing and doesn’t see the tiger but then hears cries coming from the corner of the field.

“Fine, laugh all you want,” says the tiger, “just get me out of this hole.”

So the elephant straddles the hole and leans down with his enormous penis. “Grab a hold of that and I’ll pull you out.”

The tiger isn’t thrilled by his choices, but he does as he’s told and soon is back up on the jungle floor.

The moral of the story is: If you have a really big cock, you don’t need a Porsche.

If first heard that joke from the chief technical officer as part of his speech on orientation day for a group of college interns at WWOR TV, of whom I was one. Morton Downey Jr. recorded his fucking insane show just down the hall (for those who never had the pleasure, think Jerry Springer as a chain-smoking fascist cokehead 10 years earlier).

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07th Apr 2005

Free iPod (Really! Sort of. Maybe)

So, here’s the deal. I’ve been working for weeks on a report that DoubleClick will soon issue called The Decade in Online Advertising. In the course of procrastinating writing it one night, I clicked on an ad on Webster.com.

The irony here is, although my profession, not to mention this particular report, revolves around online advertising, I don’t often click on ads. But this one just got me. It was an interactive bowling game. I tried it about five times without bowling a strike. Right as I decided to give up, it read my mind and as I was letting go of the ball to get back to my report — snap! — a strike! I was then ushered through to FreeiPod.com.

And, hey, who doesn’t want a free iPod? So, I start filling out some various forms, and quickly I realized the deal is they show you an endless supply of “special offers” for all sorts of crap — diet stuff, mortgages, credit cards, and on and on. You’re impelled over and over to view just one more page of these offers.

The longer I spent scrolling through them, the more determined I was to get my free iPod. To make a long story short, I may actually get one. With your help…

But see, I’m going to short circuit the process for you. As far as I can tell (and please do read the terms and conditions for yourself and don’t just take my word for it), you really need to sign up for only one of the endless offers. In my opinion, the one to go for is the BMG music club. It’s a really easy deal to abide by. You get six albums for a really low introductory price (I can’t be bothered to do all the research again now to get my facts straight, but something like $15 with shipping for six CDs). The selection isn’t like Amazon’s, but there’s enough that you can find six you want. Then, you have to buy only one more CD at list price (something like $18, plus shipping), and you’re free to quit the club. In the past, I’ve actually remained a member of BMG for a year or more; they constantly have special prices, and it’s not such a bad deal.

Or you could go for the same kind of club for DVDs, books, or the diet stuff, mortgages, credit cards, sex aids, whatever. They have a gazillion offers; point is you need to sign up for only one. (I say I think that’s true; I actually got suckered into to signing up for about for offers before I lost patience. Even so, I signed up for stuff I like: DVDs, CDs, books, so I can justify the expense and I’ll still come out ahead compared to the $400 for a new iPod. Possibly the limit is two. Please read the terms and conditions for yourself.)

When you’ve signed up for one (or maybe two), skip the rest of the offers click through directly to FreeiPod.com and make sure you register your account. Then you sit around and wait for them to acknowledge that your offer has been processed. That may take 2-3 weeks. That’s the stage I’m at. The site says 15 days, but I waited longer than that before I registered a comment with their customer support online ticketing system. A couple of days after that — today — my account shows that they’ve acknowledged I’ve signed up for the offer.

Now, supposedly the only next step is to convince five friends or anonymous blog readers to do the same. Yes, it’s a bit of a pyramid scheme. But, if all you have to do is sign up for BMG and get six heavily discounted CDs and buy one at full price, and then convince five of your friends or others to do the same, it still seems to me a good bargain for a free iPod.

Now, I’m not an idiot, or a scam artist myself. Here’s where I give you lots of caveat emptor advice. Please don’t follow my advice on this if you are an idiot. Here is an article from SFGate.com I just found that heaps lots of doubt on the service, including that there have been several complaints about it to the Better Business Bureau. Granted, it is not a highly transparent service. There is no obvious listing of a telephone number (though I know I’m a good enough researcher I am confident I could find one if I were really determined). So far, for better or worse, I’m still taking it on faith. The SFGate piece, BTW, notes that the one guy who the writer tracked down who went through all the hoops did eventually get an iPod for considerably less than the retail price.

I’m also given some confidence from the fact that the advertisers on the service include the likes of AOL, Bertelsmann, Blockbuster, Citibank, EarthLink, General Motors and USA Today, and that I first saw the ad on Webster.com. You’d think if it were a total scam, those reputable companies wouldn’t be associating with it.

Also, obviously, use a disposable or spam-protected email address for the registration process. There’s no doubt these guys will sell your email address to anything that moves. I personally use rickbruner@mailblocks.com for stuff like this, a $10/year service that is pretty bullet-proof email address service for spam protection (otherwise, I rarely check that address for anything but registering for dubious stuff online).

The key is to be organized enough about these kind “thing-of-the-month clubs” that you understand the obligation getting in and then quit before you get soaked (i.e., do unto others before they do unto you).

If you’re smart and organized enough to deal with all those caveats and you want an iPod for the price of a few discounted CDs, then click here. (And please do click there and don’t navigate directly to FreeiPod.com, as I am only going to get the prize if five of you navigate there via the link with my embedded code. If, for some perverse reason you decide to sign up without my code, your karma will make your life miserable.)

Or, if you prefer to inform me what an jerkwad I am for falling for this whole thing, feel free to send me a free iPod yourself, and I’ll strike out this whole post.

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06th Apr 2005

Joke of the Day: Alabama…Ha!

File under: Red State

Why don’t Alabamans use birth control pills?

They keep falling out.

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