31st Mar 2005
Three Jokes for Three Days
I realize I’m woefully behind in my joke-a-day commitment. Oh well, you get what you pay for. So here are three, to catch me up.
Tuesday’s Joke: How Drunk Were You?
File Under: You’re-Fired Funny!
Three friends get completely shit-faced one Saturday night at a bar. The next Saturday they’re playing golf, comparing stories about how their nights went after they split up.
“That was the worst night of my life,” said the first. “I was so hammered I was seeing double the whole drive home. Lots of the evening is a blank, but when I got home I Blew Chunks!”
“That’s nothing,” says the second guy. “I wrapped my brand new Beemer around a tree! $65,000 car, totaled. Insurance isn’t going to give me a penny. Total write off!”
“Oh, you guys think you had it bad, gimme a break,” says the third. “My girlfriend was so furious, she trashed my place. She threw a Ming vase at me my mother left me in her will: $250,000. When I went downstairs the next morning, I realized she’d sugared the gas tank of my Maserati!”
They look over at the first who, who has slumped down to the ground, crying. “What’s up?” the second asks.
“You guys don’t understand. Chunks is my dog!”
Wednesday’s Joke: Man’s Best Friend
File Under: Oh No You Din’t! (Props to Dan H.)
An anthropology professor and a graduate student went to Scotland to research the phenomenon of how in different Scottish villages the men use strikingly different techniques to have sex with sheep. (This could really happen; bear with me.)
At the first village they find a middle-aged farmer down a isolated road, so they explain their mission, and the farmer is only too happy to help. “It gets lonely in the evenings here in the highlands, and men have needs,” the farmer explains. “So here in these parts, when the need arises, we find a handsome sheep lass, grab her from behind, lift her up and put her back legs in our Wellington boots to secure her, and then we go about our business.”
The scientists are fascinated. They thank the farmer and move on to the next village, where they find another friendly farmer. “Well, here in our village, when the nights are long and the urge comes upon us, we take a pretty little sheep, lift her back legs up over a fence to hold her in place, and we go about our business.”
Again, they express their gratitude and move on to the next village. There, another farmer explains, “Well, here in our village, when we find ourselves so inclined, we seek out a bonnie lamb, lie down on our backs and get underneat her, then pull her on top of us and go about or business.”
The anthropologists are amazed. “Really, you get underneath her then? That’s remarkable. Most extraordinary.”
“Really,” says the farmer, “Why? How else would you do it?”
The professor explains about the other villages where the farmers come from behind, and the boots, or the fence…
“From behind!?” exclaims the farmer? “But what about the kissing?”
Thursday’s Joke: Knock-Knock…
File Under: Not About Manimal Love (Props to Judith Z.)
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Control freak (now you say, “Control freak who?”)
(I still can’t believe co-workers read this blog.)
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