Bruner Blog

I’ve come a bit late to this story, but with apologies to anyone else named Michael Gorman who is not the president-elect of the American Library Association, Michael Gorman is a sanctimonious prick. So much so that I’d like to recommend that bloggers unite in a Google-bomb on the guy using that phrase.

I’m tempted to thoroughly fisk his article, but I’m sure others have done so already. It’s so patently obvious he hasn’t stepped out of his ivory tower for so long he must fart dust. A librarian, much less a would-be president of a leading library association (we shall see), who had never heard of blogs before last December? There are only, what, a gazillion (or, dare I say, a googol?) librarian blogs? He really his finger on the pulse of modern society.

And, sure, Google is imperfect, so…what, I should run down to the library the 100 times a day I use Google (certainly no exaggeration) and look up in books maps and addresses, news headlines, online articles plus myriad other miscellaneous facts I use Google for? Sure, libraries are still great for scholarly research, but the impracticality of his criticisms of Google (”notoriously inefficient search engine,” “random bits of information” in “no very useful order,” etc.) just outrage me. Please enlighten us what is the better search engine we should be using instead.

I do love libraries, although mostly in principal at this point. Honestly, the last time I was in a library was months ago while traveling (Beijing) and solely for the purpose of gettting access to the Internet, which I suspect is increasingly becoming libraries’ fate. Before that, I can’t remember the last time.

As for book readership, however, I would presume bloggers index considerably higher than average Americans as book consumers. I personally read at least one book a month, which I’m sure is a lot more than most Americans.

Anyway, I think it would be only too fitting if one of the random bits of information Google spews forth from now on is Michael Gorman is a sanctimonious prick whenever someone searches his name.

On a practical note, to achieve maximum effect, you should use that exact phrase on a link to that same article as well as in your entry headline, particularly if your individual archive pages copy the headline into the page’s title tag (which is blogger best practice for search optimization in general).

He wants to see the revenge of the “blog people,” does he? He shall see the revenge of the blog people!

UPDATE:

This post now comes up as the #1 link for “sanctimonous prick” on Google, and on the second page for “sanctimonious” and, most importantly, on the third page for “Michael Gorman.” So please keep up that linking, and we’ll teach the guy a lesson soon!

While meeting with Putin yesterday, Bush told a press conference:

I live in a transparent country. I live in a country where decisions made by government are wide open and people are able to call people to me to account, which many out here do on a regular basis.

Our laws and the reasons why we have laws on the books are perfectly explained to people. Every decision we have made is within the Constitution of the United States. We have a constitution that we uphold.

And if there’s a question as to whether or not a law meets that constitution, we have an independent court system through which that law is reviewed.

So I’m perfectly comfortable in telling you, our country is one that safeguards human rights and human dignity, and we resolve our disputes in a peaceful way.

He neglected to point out, of course, that he’s doing everything in his power to make our society as secretive as possible.

Dylan Baker and Rufus Read in Happiness

I like the actor Dylan Baker. You may or may not recognize him; he’s on TV a lot and has had several supporting movie roles, though no major star vehicles that I’m aware of. His most memorale role, for me, was in Todd Solondz’s harrowing masterpiece Happiness, where Baker bravely and brilliantly, if somewhat ill-advisedly, played a pedophile who raped a couple of his son’s friends.

I was rather surprised, therefore, to see Baker abducting a young boy on tonight’s episode of Without a Trace, the FBI show about missing persons. Turns out he wasn’t a pervert this time, but a guy grieving for his own son who died two years earlier. But still, who’s this guy’s agent?

Following elections in Afghanistan, Iraq and the occupied Palestinian territories, now Egytians and Lebanese are demonstrating for democracy. The New Yorker’s Hendrik Hertzberg said it best.

UPDATE:

Germany’s Der Spiegel agrees with comparisons to Reagan.

Got the mail today on my way in. Imagine my surprise to find, among the junk and bills and scary stuff from the IRS, a letter from a friend. An honest to goodness paper letter. A card no less. In fact, a schmaltzy “Thank You” card. I’m all misty eyed just thinking about it. Thanking me for putting him up at my pad last weekend, part of a three-guy college buddy weekend (the other guy’s card must still be in the mail).

Then imagine my even greater surprise to find another letter from a different friend in the mailbox the same day. Ask yourself, when’s the last time you got two letters from friends on the same day? I don’t think I’ve gotten even one in months, if not years.

Most incredibly, what did I promptly do? I wrote them both back nice cards myself. Signed, sealed, stamped and on my kitchen table ready to be dropped off at the mailbox on my way to work tomorrow morning.

The beautiful part is my average response time for email sent to my personal address is somewhere between four weeks and never since taking the new job. As I told a friend the other night, I come home at the end of the day and want to do nothing more than drink half a bottle of wine and watch Law & Order reruns. Last thing I want to do is read more email, seeing as I’m similarly about two weeks behind in my work email as it is.

Maybe they realized that, and that’s why they opted for paper.

Goodbye, good Doctor.

Rememberances:

• NPR
• SF Chronicle
• NY Times
• San Jose Merc
• E! Online
• Denver Post
• CNN
• SF Chronicle
• Salon
• The Guardian
• Lono
• Dvorak
• Washington Post
• Rox Populi
• Gonzo.org
• NPR’s Andrei Codrescu
• Rocky Mountain News’s slighly odd interview with HST’s 32-year-old widow
• Wired

Yes, it’s true, I’m blogging a lot less these days. Maybe you’ve noticed, if you’re among that inscrutible audience known as regular Bruner Blog readers.

Sorry to disappoint. The explanation is I’m busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger, as my dad used to say. Some of you may know that I’ve taken my first full-time job in many moons a few months ago, and more recently my boss took another job, and I’ve been promoted now to director of the research department.

It’s a great challenge, but I have much less time for blogging of late. Things might slow down a bit later this spring, but meanwhile you’ll have to make due with hopefully a post a week on the main blog; keep an eye on the “Ever-Changing Miscellaneous Items of Interest (AKA, Link Blog)” (the archive for which is presently misbehaving, but the current posts can also be found in the left-hand page margin).

That’s about it for now. Stay tuned…

I’m looking forward to this. A weird thriller set in the metro system of Budapest. It won the top prize the in Chicago International Film Festival last year. See details on Yahoo! Movies and IMDB. Opening in NY April 1.

Thanks to Mark for the tip.

My dad sent me this mildly amusing (and mildly annoying) rant about Americanism from some Brit. Attributed to John Cleese, but that seems suspect (I doubt it was even written as a Brit, at least in its present form, as it uses US punctuation conventions with regard to quote marks, or inverted commas, if you prefer).

Declaration of Revocation

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “uhh”, “like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up “interspersed.”

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents — Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football.” There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

No idea where he gets this shit, but it’s funny:

Nice story and explanation for where I inherited my lefty politics.